Tag Archives: change

Day Four – 31 Days of Honesty

Posted on by
7

Day 04 — The worst thing ever to happen to me…

I’ve been thinking about this one for awhile.  The trouble is I’m a fortunate girl whose problems usually involve food or a bathroom in some way.

So when I start thinking about the “worst” things that have ever happened to me, the first things that come to mind are as follows:

  • The time I ran out of hot water with conditioner still in my hair.
  • The time I realized that the 2-1 shampoo/conditioner really doesn’t work at all.
  • The time(s) I bit my fat little cheek because I chew too fast.
  • The time I poked myself in the eye.
  • The time I poured egg beaters into my coffee because the carton looked like half & half.
  • The time I poured half & half into the skillet because the carton looked like egg beaters.  What the hell!
  • The time I made a horrible vegetarian “meatloaf” that everybody choked down in effort not to hurt my feelings.  Although that might be on their “worst” thing list.  ((hugs))

Sure, there have been plenty of truly painful experiences – broken hearts from loves I thought would never end – sending my beloved pets gently into that goodnight are still memories that cause me to pause and reflect.

But I took on this meme so I will give you a genuine answer.

During my marriage – we wanted a family and it just wasn’t happening for us.  We’d tried on our own for a year and nothing.  We went to the best fertility hospital in Boston and, after taking fertility drugs with no success, decided that IVF was our best chance.  For a year I got daily hormone shots, got my IVF treatment and eventually it worked!  We got pregnant and I couldn’t have been happier – I was elated, giddy to see a little beating heart on the ultrasounds, talking to my belly, writing letters to my unborn etc.

But soon I started suffering from “fertility sickness”.  My ovaries had swollen to a ridiculous amount and I started retaining so much fluid that my skin started to stretch.   It was ugly.  And painful.

And soon after that, when my husband came with me so that he could see the beating heart… … there wasn’t one – no longer a beating heart.  It had died.  And I had lost my composure and started to bawl and wail uncontrollably.  I just couldn’t believe it.  I was absolutely crushed.

That night my husband said he wanted to try again.  And I said I didn’t think so.  And I meant it.  I know many people are successful after trying multiple attempts but I just didn’t want to go through all that again.  And he did.  And soon I started to resent him.  It wasn’t his fault and he didn’t do anything wrong – but little by little I began to detach myself from him until I didn’t feel anything anymore.

In so many ways I was selfish and weak.  Other people had suffered much larger tragedies and come out of it strong and tried harder and found success … but I just quit – all of it.  

And then we divorced.  

That was December but truthfully I can’t remember what year.  I don’t think about it much anymore – and sometimes the whole thing – the marriage and everything seems like it happened to another person.

All my life I’ve heard that I’m emotionally detached – that I’m cold.  Sometimes I still believe that. 

Hello Gorgeous – I’ve missed you!!!

Posted on by
10

So I’m back!!  Did you miss me?  Hello…. helllloooo…?

Did you at least notice that I wasn’t here?

Well, anyway, I took a vacation – nothing major – boats were involved. Sunshine. and lack of wireless capabilities.  Twas lovely.  I swam, beached, ate, drank, walked til I collapsed (or was that from drinking?), etc…

I got a kick-ass tan which has faded 2 more shades since I typed this.  I’m so desperate to keep it I may have to get myself lacquered.  Or, y’know… go outside.

But like every time I leave town I’m always so glad to be home.  And that’s a nice truth.  I like coming home to my dog Teddy, my friends and my, loosely referred to, routines.  I like getting back to work.

Getting back to work this time, though, freaked me out a little.  Naturally I came back to a ginormous stack of work which had impatiently waited for me.  I’ve never seen a stack of papers take on a living form – breathing and snarling at me – so I had to get myself in a cool mode to take it on bit by bit – calmly, using a gentle tone of voice (don’t freak out) – until it was manageable.  The stack of work isn’t exactly purring yet, but at least I’m not in any danger losing limbs.  I’m still behind but the “have to” stuff is taken care of.  Whew…

It’ll take me a couple of weeks to get completely caught up of course – no one has yet to explain to me the vacation-to-backlog ratio.  One week vacation = 3 weeks of catch-up.  What kind of math is that?

Also, while I was away, the deal closed on the acquisition.  When I left I was part of little co inc and we are now officially under the umbrella of megasupercolossal corporation.  Good stuff, I think.  Great opportunities for professional and personal growth.  Change is exciting but it’s always a little scary too – especially if you fear the change involves a visit to the unemployment office.  But I think I’m okay for a while… we’ll have to wait and see how things progress.

One of the things I really liked about my little company was the leadership of my team and now the CFO, who I adored, is on his way to other things and I’ll miss him.  So this week I met Mr. New CFO, and ya know?… I like him.   He has a nice way about him – seems easy to work with, easy to talk to.  So far, the transition seems smoothish – there’ll be a lot of uncomfortable adjustments and we’ll all need to be on our toes and flexible, but I always wanted to be a ballerina.

Ok, so back to our regularly scheduled programming…

Did you hear – I’ve got a cold. It’s true. A cold!

Posted on by
7

It’s the first cold I’ve gotten in 3 years.  Three years and yet I’ve received no flowers.  Also, I’ve been checking the news and there’s been no mention of it.  Weird.  It’s almost as if my cold isn’t really as big a deal as I think it is.

I’ve been surrounded by sickies for months… surrounded!  Yet, I never shied away from them – I’m very jesus-like in this way.  Yes indeed, and like jesus probably did, I give the appropriate amount of  baby-talk pity… “tsk tsk, poor baby’s got a stuffly wuffly nose.”  And then I’d carry on my happy way certain that my immune system, and therefore my character, is far superior than most.

I’ve been bragging for months that I don’t get sick!  And if I meant only one thing stated in the first two paragraphs, it’s that I’ve been surrounded by sick people for many months and had felt no ill effects at all!  I had started to feel immune.  But suddenly it’s upon me and now I walk around telling anyone who’s too slow to run – I’m sick and I want sympathy or least some kind of recognition for soldiering bravely with my daily duties while battling the sniffles.

Am I the only one that does this?  Try to pretend that I don’t really care that I’m feeling under the weather, all the while wanting people to feel pity for my plight and admiration for my courage.  Am I the only one that gets so melodramatic over a trifling cold?

I guess I feel the need to milk it.  I won’t get sick again for at least another year or maybe longer.  Who knows where I’ll be then or what I’ll be doing, but god help those around me if it takes another three years for me to get a cold.  I’ll carry on like the world is at an end!

Besides the physical discomfort I’m feeling these days, I’ve got some emotional/mental discomfort as well.  There’s uncertainty in areas of my life and I’m really not sure where I’m headed.  It’s new territory for me.  I haven’t spoken of it out loud because I haven’t wanted to give it voice, but if I were to be honest – I’m scared.