Author Archives: Amber

Investment

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Boston has so many beautiful angles it's hard to pick just one, but I love any shot that's got the Zakim Bridge in it.

Boston has so many beautiful angles it’s hard to pick just one, but I love any shot that’s got the Zakim Bridge in it.

 

As I’ve been more active in the Boston music scene – as both a patron and a participant – I find that more and more people from that scene stumble on to this page.  That’s a little embarrassing.  Not for what I’ve written, but most certainly for what is absent.  Most of the “juicy” (more like lemon spritzed soda water) stuff has been removed or at least hidden.  And there’s been very little interesting activity for me directly on the music front – at least not interesting enough to write about.  Truthfully though, whatever has been interesting enough in my life to write about is probably stuff I can’t post.

I’ve made an investment here in Boston.  And I love it.  I’m not going to write about the recent events here in this beautiful city because I couldn’t do it justice when there are so many better writers who’ve paid stunning and informative tributes. 

But I do love it here with all my heart.

I love the people. They’re frequently salty and smart and have no time for bull$#*t.  Most people I know here are not flashy and don’t appreciate artifice – they are direct with their opinions so you better be able to take it.  But I’ve also found them to be sweetly tolerant of the oddballs.  Sure, they make look at you askew, but they’ll give you a chance.  And when they do, it’s best to use that chance to be sincere about who you are and if you’re a decent sort, they’ll see it – perfection is not required and wouldn’t be trusted anyway.

I love the music scene here which is remarkably diverse but still cozy and jumpin’ somewhere every night of the week.  Every single night.  And holy sh*t… it’s good.  Damn good.  The best artists do not always fly away to New York, Nashville or LA… many of them stay right here.  And why shouldn’t they… this place is awesome!

I even love driving here – the roads are f#$%ing stupid and confusing but when I start to feel frustrated with it, I have to laugh… I feel like I’m being affectionately picked on.  Like previous generations are laughing at me from on high… Yeah, yeah, I get it… that’s hilarious… now how the f#$% do I get to the Pike?  Yup, Boston loves to bust your balls a little – it’s part of the fun.

I feel like I belong here.  I care about it.  It’s my home now.  And I think forever.  Casares’ roam… we always have… and many still do… but there’s always the “last place” we’re going to live.  And I think this it for me.

Suddenly, I feel like there are repercussions for what I write here.  I never really felt that way too much before – I never felt so invested. 

This site is not going anywhere – it’s mine and it’s staying… but I need to think about the direction I want this site to take…

My life has changed so much in the past 12 months and it continues to change so fast that, to be honest, I don’t know what the hell is happening half the time!  I want to be able to continue to talk to you about it.

For my patient long-time readers from even blogs gone by, I know you’re out there still checking in on me from time to time – I love you for that and thank you…  You make me feel connected to a larger world and I never feel alone.

For new readers…  I hope I give you a reason to come back.

Stay tuned.

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Things I Love About You

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I’m a very self-centered person… hush, hush, don’t argue with me… it’s true.

But tonight I want to tell some people why I love them … and if they’re reading this, perhaps they’ll recognize themselves – but they probably won’t.

  • I love to watch you do your thing.
  • I love that you never feel sorry for yourself.  
  • I love that you tried to teach me how to be a lady.
  • I love knowing where you came from… and seeing where you are.
  • I love that it doesn’t even occur to you that you can’t do something.
  • I love that when you had every reason to be mad at me… you weren’t.
  • I love that you’re always on my side without question and without balance.
  • I love that you always think of things I could never think of in a million years.
  • I love that you don’t set out to inspire, you just live your life… and it inspires me.
  • I love that you never mention the stupid s#!t I did or said.  Cause, man oh man, what an ass I made of myself!
  • I love that you’re in this list more than once but you would never recognize yourself.
  • I love that even though you don’t think much of yourself, you don’t take no crap from nobody.
  • I love that you don’t care that I use three negatives to make a positive.
  • I love that when I think no one’s going to show up… there you are.
  • I love that you’ll think the picture below is as hilarious as I do.
  • I love that you always try to protect me.
  • I love that we go there! Oh yes we do!
  • I love that you always get it!

Thank you for being in my life.

goat to cow

What? Oh, Hi!

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Hello, hello… is there anybody out there… just nod if you can hear me…

The summer of Amber has been going strong with gigs, a crazy social calendar, unprecedented creativity and, of course, the eternal presence of a heavy work load.  In other words – life is good – I have music, purpose, means, friends and family.

And yet, I’m eating poorly, skipping the gym and not getting enough sleep… why do I do this? I’ve yet to master the art of the delicate balance.  Although maybe this IS the delicate balance – success in one area is to fail in another.

Anyway, I’ve been way out of the loop and have been getting my news from the brief Facebook status updates.  It’s a really great strategy if you’re busy.  From what I can gather – Mitt said something stupid and some Olympians landed on Mars where they saw a drunken naked Randy Travis eating gay chicken sandwiches.  Got it – same ol, same ol.

Well, I’ve been busily writing songs and now have 7 towards me goal of 10!  Woohoo!  And so far, they don’t appear to be terrible, so I’m pleased!  I’ve recorded one already and I couldn’t be thrillder (it should be word) at what Ducky and Brian have done with it.  I asked for genius and muscle to offset my girly singing and they gave it to me.

As I write though I’ve noticed a theme – almost all the songs seem to be about giving in to one’s darker nature.  Clearly, this album is an ode to my daily donut habit.  Oh the shame, oh the glory.

Brian at the controls while Ducky’s upstairs nailing the drum track.

Ducky’s dog, Ronson, serving as our luscious muse for the day… who’s a pretty girl – you are! Oh yes you are!!

Writing

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Over the last year I’ve fallen in love with music again.  I hadn’t realized that I had gone years without paying attention to it.  And now it’s back in my life and I never want to let it go.

I was in the studio a couple of weeks ago – put down some harmonies on someone’s record.  I had forgotten how much I love being in a studio, making my contribution to the creative process and then hearing the finished product of magicians and genius’.  I’m ever amazed at what songwriters, singers, musicians, engineers and producers can create and how they move a soul.

I did a CD in 2001 and while I’m not ashamed of it by any means, it was my first effort in a clearly defined genre.  I listen to it now and I’m charmed by it’s simplicity, but I know I can do better – creatively and vocally.  I now know the rules I can break – and that’s absolutely essential to the creative process.  So with much encouragement by people I respect and who are not related to me ;-) , I’m inspired to take the lead on a new CD.

I haven’t written a complete song in over 10 years and today I finished my first song for my next CD – all the lyrics and the chord structure. I’m absolutely thrilled!

Do I rest?  NO!  I’m off to start the next one… but I leave you with a song by Neko Case who inspires me to accept my nature and own the life I have – for in the end I am the only one to answer for it and it should at least be true.

I can say that I’ve lived here in honor and danger
But I’m just an animal and cannot explain a life
Down this chain of days I wished to stay among my people
Relation now means nothing, having chosen so defined
And if death should smell my breathing
As it pass beneath my window
Let it lead me trembling, trembling
I own every bell that tolls me

Day Seven – 31 Days of Honesty

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Day 07 — The worst thing that could happen to me is…

Okaaay… so maybe I should have read the topics ahead of time before endeavoring in this particular meme because I don’t really like this one.

I think I understand the “point” of the question… when one thinks of a horrible thing that they’re currently NOT experiencing, one can’t help but be grateful for their good fortune by default.  For instance, I’m terrified of bees – wow, how awesome is it that I’m not getting stung by bees right now!  See, it’s so easy to be grateful when your other option is horrible!

Nah, I don’t really want to think about the worst thing that could happen to me – it makes me go to dark places and I can’t help but start thinking about brain tumors and death or sitting through another episode of Mob Wives.  It’s just too terrible for words.

Bad things happen all the time – we go broke, lose loved ones, get sick, become incapacitated, our hearts get broken… And still, no matter how bad your life is, it can ALWAYS be worse – and isn’t that great?!  Hello?  Hellloooo?

Actually, it is great.  No matter how much we’re struggling or hurting, it’s important to take stock of whatever good fortunes you may have.  No matter how down I ever get, I’m ever aware that I’m an exceedingly lucky girl if only for some basics…

  • Lucky to have my eyes, my ears, my voice - I have color and music and a way to express myself.
  • Lucky to have my limbs – I can dance like a fool, pet my dog and write a silly blog.
  • Lucky to have a roof over my head – or else I’d be knocking at your door with runny mascara.
  • Lucky to have a little change in my pocket for the vending machine.
  • Lucky to still have people who love me when sometimes I’m not very lovable.

And being cognizant of these blessings is a wonderful thing… so I guess…

the worst thing that could ever happen to me?

Alzheimers.

Day Six – 31 Days of Honesty

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Day 06 — Something I want to do in my lifetime but I already know I won’t be able to is…

I’ve tried and failed to come up with only “one” of any of these meme questions so boom… I’m listing…

  • I’d love to visit the North Pole and bake gingerbread cookies with the elves… and if one of them got fresh or sassed me, I’m pretty sure I could take one in a fight.  50/50 sure at least.
  • I’d love to be a super smart and sexy spy… like James Bond except I don’t want to get kicked in the nuts.  (I miss Pierce Brosnan – I don’t think he ever got kicked in the nuts.)
  • I’d love to play piano and sing like Jerry Lee Lewis.  I think I would have handled it better – and I don’t have any hot cousins so… ya know… we’re all good.
  • I’d love to be able to do anything with my body – like a dancer – but I’m short, can no longer do the splits unless it’s of the banana variety and when I dance…people get hurt – s#*t gets broke.
  • And although I’m always the optimist… by now, I’m pretty sure I’m not gonna marry anyone from Duran Duran but when I was 14, it seemed so inevitable.

I’ve probably missed the entire point of the question but when I truly think about it – anything I’d really like to do, I probably could… even if I probably won’t.

In that vein… some snark-free highly improbable possibilities…

  • I’d like to speak another language – Russian seems fun!
  • I’d really like to play piano – something other than Chopsticks.
  • I’d like to be a mother.
  • I’d like to go to college – but what would I study?  It’s ALL so fascinating – how can people settle on one major?
  • I’d like to travel the world primarily by sea… most specifically, I’d love to visit Pitcairn.
 
Life is amazing… I’d do it ALL, if I could…

Day Five – 31 Days of Honesty

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Day 05 — The person (outside of my family) who has had the greatest influence on my life is…

This meme is hard!  I can never pick just one of anything.  My life is an ever growing global buffet – how could I ever pick just one thing or person?

I’ve had many influential people at various stages of my life – some were cautionary tales, no doubt, but I’ve been fortunate to meet many wise, thoughtful and talented people.  I apologize in advance to those I’m leaving out…

Peggy Flannery – my singing teacher.  I was eight years old when I started singing.  Peggy believed in me and when we couldn’t afford lessons, she coached me for free.  She helped me find my voice and I don’t know who I’d be today if I wasn’t a singer.

Judith-Ann and Tina – 2 brilliant and beautiful sisters took me under their wing and taught me how to take better care of myself and helped me to take notice of my intellect and independence.  I always hoped I’d make them proud of me one day.

Dr. Linda Johnston – my general practitioner who became a friend and mentor taught me to recognize that Love comes from within.  It doesn’t matter if you get it back – you feel it when you give it.   That lesson would help me through some painful times.

Well, that’s 4 which is about as small a list as I could get for this topic because there really is a seemingly endless list of artists, friends and lovers who have each made a powerful impact in my thinking and behavior to this very day.  I’m grateful for them ALL.

Day Four – 31 Days of Honesty

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Day 04 — The worst thing ever to happen to me…

I’ve been thinking about this one for awhile.  The trouble is I’m a fortunate girl whose problems usually involve food or a bathroom in some way.

So when I start thinking about the “worst” things that have ever happened to me, the first things that come to mind are as follows:

  • The time I ran out of hot water with conditioner still in my hair.
  • The time I realized that the 2-1 shampoo/conditioner really doesn’t work at all.
  • The time(s) I bit my fat little cheek because I chew too fast.
  • The time I poked myself in the eye.
  • The time I poured egg beaters into my coffee because the carton looked like half & half.
  • The time I poured half & half into the skillet because the carton looked like egg beaters.  What the hell!
  • The time I made a horrible vegetarian “meatloaf” that everybody choked down in effort not to hurt my feelings.  Although that might be on their “worst” thing list.  ((hugs))

Sure, there have been plenty of truly painful experiences – broken hearts from loves I thought would never end – sending my beloved pets gently into that goodnight are still memories that cause me to pause and reflect.

But I took on this meme so I will give you a genuine answer.

During my marriage – we wanted a family and it just wasn’t happening for us.  We’d tried on our own for a year and nothing.  We went to the best fertility hospital in Boston and, after taking fertility drugs with no success, decided that IVF was our best chance.  For a year I got daily hormone shots, got my IVF treatment and eventually it worked!  We got pregnant and I couldn’t have been happier – I was elated, giddy to see a little beating heart on the ultrasounds, talking to my belly, writing letters to my unborn etc.

But soon I started suffering from “fertility sickness”.  My ovaries had swollen to a ridiculous amount and I started retaining so much fluid that my skin started to stretch.   It was ugly.  And painful.

And soon after that, when my husband came with me so that he could see the beating heart… … there wasn’t one – no longer a beating heart.  It had died.  And I had lost my composure and started to bawl and wail uncontrollably.  I just couldn’t believe it.  I was absolutely crushed.

That night my husband said he wanted to try again.  And I said I didn’t think so.  And I meant it.  I know many people are successful after trying multiple attempts but I just didn’t want to go through all that again.  And he did.  And soon I started to resent him.  It wasn’t his fault and he didn’t do anything wrong – but little by little I began to detach myself from him until I didn’t feel anything anymore.

In so many ways I was selfish and weak.  Other people had suffered much larger tragedies and come out of it strong and tried harder and found success … but I just quit – all of it.  

And then we divorced.  

That was December but truthfully I can’t remember what year.  I don’t think about it much anymore – and sometimes the whole thing – the marriage and everything seems like it happened to another person.

All my life I’ve heard that I’m emotionally detached – that I’m cold.  Sometimes I still believe that. 

Hello Gorgeous – I’ve missed you!!!

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So I’m back!!  Did you miss me?  Hello…. helllloooo…?

Did you at least notice that I wasn’t here?

Well, anyway, I took a vacation – nothing major – boats were involved. Sunshine. and lack of wireless capabilities.  Twas lovely.  I swam, beached, ate, drank, walked til I collapsed (or was that from drinking?), etc…

I got a kick-ass tan which has faded 2 more shades since I typed this.  I’m so desperate to keep it I may have to get myself lacquered.  Or, y’know… go outside.

But like every time I leave town I’m always so glad to be home.  And that’s a nice truth.  I like coming home to my dog Teddy, my friends and my, loosely referred to, routines.  I like getting back to work.

Getting back to work this time, though, freaked me out a little.  Naturally I came back to a ginormous stack of work which had impatiently waited for me.  I’ve never seen a stack of papers take on a living form – breathing and snarling at me – so I had to get myself in a cool mode to take it on bit by bit – calmly, using a gentle tone of voice (don’t freak out) – until it was manageable.  The stack of work isn’t exactly purring yet, but at least I’m not in any danger losing limbs.  I’m still behind but the “have to” stuff is taken care of.  Whew…

It’ll take me a couple of weeks to get completely caught up of course – no one has yet to explain to me the vacation-to-backlog ratio.  One week vacation = 3 weeks of catch-up.  What kind of math is that?

Also, while I was away, the deal closed on the acquisition.  When I left I was part of little co inc and we are now officially under the umbrella of megasupercolossal corporation.  Good stuff, I think.  Great opportunities for professional and personal growth.  Change is exciting but it’s always a little scary too – especially if you fear the change involves a visit to the unemployment office.  But I think I’m okay for a while… we’ll have to wait and see how things progress.

One of the things I really liked about my little company was the leadership of my team and now the CFO, who I adored, is on his way to other things and I’ll miss him.  So this week I met Mr. New CFO, and ya know?… I like him.   He has a nice way about him – seems easy to work with, easy to talk to.  So far, the transition seems smoothish – there’ll be a lot of uncomfortable adjustments and we’ll all need to be on our toes and flexible, but I always wanted to be a ballerina.

Ok, so back to our regularly scheduled programming…

Day Three – 31 Days of Honesty

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Day 03 — My favorite song from the year I was born…

There are a couple of songs from 1968 that I listen to regularly – like at least once a week and so it’s hard for me to choose…  

The most obvious choice is Hey Jude… I love the Beatles and it’s a great song – Paul’s voice is beautiful, it’s fun to sing and there are always things to discover in every listening.  As I type I realize this is a no-brainer.  And no-brainers are my specialty!

But I really wanna give a shout out to Burt Bacharach’s/Hal David’s This Guy’s In Love With You – sung by Herb Alpert.  As much as I love Hey Jude, over saturation has reduced it’s effect on me.  But this song always hits me where I live and I almost cry every time I hear it.  Unfortunately I listen through my ipod which I use at the gym… I always get the strangest looks when I’m crying at the treadmill.  

Another strong contender is the Delfonics’ La La Means I Love You.  Unfortunately, this song brings up painful memories for me and thus is not eligible for the “favorite song” category.  

Side note:  while doing my extensive research on YouTube, have you noticed in the comments that people have to fight about everything??  Like about what brought them to the site – who liked them first – how they don’t make good music anymore and how Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga should just quit, etc… people are weird.  And when I say “weird”, I mean “f#$%&d”.